Sunday, May 6, 2012

Never expect life to be easy and never expect it to be fair.

Never regret your failure but take it as your strength.
Cry for a second and dry your tears.
Life's too short for disappointments
so live it like a child - free of worries.

I've live my life with so much disappointments. Heck, i still stand like everything is okay.
I've live like a kid, full of fun and care-free, for my friends to see. Now that i wanted to step-out of this juvenility and face the real big world on my own, things are pulling me back.

Back then, fellows around me thought that i'm some spoiled kid, who gets anything she wanted in a snap. Assumptions that i grew up with. Out of anyone's thought, I've been a poor kid all my life. I'm always hungry for my parents love, and always vulnerable to financial illness. Always sulking from my mom's shabby treatment, and always wanting for a dad's shelter.

I'm like a street urchin, a stray cat,  an orphan. I found myself crying most of the nights, asking to myself - why do i have this life... I am emotionally, psychologically, and mentally suffering since the day i had my mind. No wonder why i grew up skeptical, and pessimistic, and undecided all these years. At the back of my head, i've always blame my mom with everything that made me who i am right now, a hopelessly-futureless-kid.

At this point of my life, i am feeling so down. I just want the world to end, or me to die.
I am like this because, i want to go back to school. =((And this means the world to me! =((

Indeed I've finished a diploma course, yet too many conflicts gets in the way for me to get my certificate. You wouldn't understand how and why. Without it, i am still considered uneducated rag. Now that I want to straightened my life and start anew, it's damn rocky and far-fetched. And there's a dark cloud of rain in my head.  Fucking hell. It's my enrollment schedule tmr! And i would never make it! Shit!

I've never been determined to what i want, until now. It took me 23 years to realize how stray i am if could not get a degree to support me. =(

Without anybody's help, i gathered my confidence and i took the entrance exam in a public university. I passed it. I thought that time i could make it to enrollment, and will bravely set my feet with whatsoever obstacles and struggles i need to pass through . I thought of it as my first step to get a life, and now my only hope just falls down. I'm letting my dream, my hope, my life to fly away. I hate that i am so weak to easily let them go. :'( Another wasted year to add in my aging skin, and i'm just sitting here ranting about it. Dammit! [Somebody shoot me to death now!]

LOSER. That's who i am.
I WANT TO DIE and ROT IN HELL than continue living meaningless. :'( 

Mom, why did u conceived and gave birth to me, then completely ruined my life from the beginning?
Now i am paying for your mistake and terribly wrong mind set.
Dad, why did u let this happen to me?
Why did you not order mom to just abort me because you can't accept a child from her?

I grew up bearing the hatred for both of you in my heart,
a hate that keeps on growing til i die.

tin. 5/7/12


  1. i'm sorry you missed enrollment. everything happens for a reason, i look forward to seeing the good things that happen to you this year

  2. thankyou sweetheart! <3 hope the other hafl of ths year will be fine..